Living life with humility is difficult most definitely always. And while I would have to admit that it is mostly a rewarding way to live your life, I'm too proud to actually admit that most of the time. I like to grumble in my "humiliation," which turns out to be the road I normally take to humility, unfortunately.
I find that there are two roads to live a humble life: Either to be humiliated, or to humble yourself. While humbling yourself would be, admittedly, the best option, I seem to be too much of a control-freak to fully embrace such a way of living, thus my proclivity to feel humiliation instead of humbleness. But, ultimately, I guess it leads us to the same end: brokenness and complete dependence on God, which turns out to be in opposition to my control-freakiness as well, sadly.
I have to say. I'm in a very tough season of my life these days, which totally sucks because I have so many great things going for me right now. I mean, I'll be in Africa in 3 weeks - A dream I've had for many years now. And really, that's the only thing I'm looking forward to right now. I need to get away - from my life especially and my way of thinking.
I received an email from my good friend Diane the other day. The email was about a screenplay she's been writing. The email really has nothing to do with the topic at hand, but she had a bible verse in the signature of her email that made me pause. It was Exodus 14:14. I'll quote it a little later. First let me fill you in a bit on my situation, which, as I mentioned above, is a step I'm trying to take in "humbling myself" instead of going through humiliation.
So, as I'm sure y'all know, I've applied to medical school for Fall of '08. Well, because I was finishing school, taking the MCAT and working full-time, I was forced to submit my application near the end of the deadline. If any of you know the process of applying to medical school, this would be like showing up to an all-you-can-eat southern buffet, where the clientele weighs far too much to be eating fried chicken and waffles, and their last meal was two days ago. It's first come first serve baby. If you show up late, you're probably left with the decorative pieces of lettuce scattered under the heat lamps, wilted and pathetic looking. Which is about how I feel right now, like a throw-away piece of wilted lettuce.
I'm really not a dramatic person, but this seems to be the best descriptive analogy that I can think of for my situation. It's almost the middle of February, and there are 7 schools I haven't heard a word from. Now, remember, I leave March 1st for Nigeria. That gives me 3 weeks to hear from those schools, and if they are interested, which I'm beginning to think no one is, I won't possibly have enough time to schedule an interview. That leaves me with basically nothing.
The thought of waiting another year to go to medical school basically gives me an anxiety attack - Full-blown, breathing through a bag, head between my knees panic attack...well, not really, but it does sound dramatic doesn't it? I've waited so long already. God, are you really asking me to wait more? I'm a patient man, but this...this is just torture. And I don't know how much more I can take.
I over analyze everything. I want to be doing what God wants me to do, so if that's not medicine then He'll bring something greater, which I truly believe. But how do I know? Maybe God is saying that by not going to medical school next year He has something better for me. Or, maybe He wants me to wait longer. When is pursuing my dream so fervently turn into me just being stubborn and unwilling to give up my own desires? I don't know if God is saying "Wait" or "Just give it up already, Stephen."
So, this gets me to the point of my friends email. The verse was Exodus 14:14 -
"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still."
I think the hardest thing for me to come to terms with, as a man, is the fact that God wants to fight for me. I grew up rarely having anyone defend me. I never had someone stand up for me. No one to speak out for me when I was too young or hurt to speak out for myself. Silence seemed to be the weapon of choice that Satan used in my family growing up. I don't think this was ever intentional on the part of my family, and it probably came from our fear and our own individual insecurities. But it was crippling nonetheless.
I have a hard time trusting that God wants to fight for me... that He wants to fight for what's best for me. I don't have to do anything for it, except give up control to Him. God moves in our stillness. We just have to wait on Him. Maybe that's why I'm a control freak. I try to take charge because i feel like God will just take it away in order to keep me humble and broken. It's twisted, I know, but often I think this way.
So I'm waiting. I'm trusting that God knows best. If He wants me to go to medical school this year, He'll make it happen. I've done everything in my power. Now it's up to Him. If He wants me to wait, then I have to trust that He will bring something more fulfilling my way. I'm just trying to prepare myself for the worst, which has been a painful process. I guess I feel like I'm letting people down, letting myself down. Satan loves to keep telling us the lie that we truly aren't good enough. And while this may be true to some extent, I have to hold on to the fact that God has something great for my life. And His greatness can overcome my depravity and shortcomings.
I just feel ready. I haven't become ready for nothing to happen, and I'm ready for something to happen. I guess going to Nigeria is something. A pretty big something. I guess that's my next step. Evaluating things after my trip is probably a better idea than going through a life crisis prematurely.
